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How To Be A Mass Killer in Seven Easy Steps

Posted December 17, 2012 by jim young in Lifestyle

– jim young

It seems that just about every time you turn around these days, there’s a report of another Mass Killing such as the recent shooting in Newtown, Connecticut where a gunman killed 26 – mostly children and then turned the gun on himself.

The problem is (not counting the senseless loss of innocent lives of course) is that these guys aren’t really very good at it.

There seems to be a lack of organisation and any real consistency to Mass Killings.


So I am outlining here some rules that any potential mass killer wannabes should study, learn and follow when they are ready to break out onto the scene.

Some of the rules such as Steps 1 to 5 are optional, and of course some can be fine-tuned to suit your individual needs.

For example, if you don’t have a wife for Step 3, feel free to substitute a girlfriend, lover or even your best friend’s wife, girlfriend or lover.

The only stipulation is that she must be someone that either does now, or at least sometime in the past, did care very much about you. Or could have the potential to care about you in the future. You know – if you weren’t a Mass Killer.

Except for Steps 6 & 7. Under no circumstances must you omit Steps 6 & 7.

Some Mass Killers DO skip these steps and become nothing more than an embarrassment to the rest of the Mass Killers in the world.

Inevitably they will be sent to prison for life or until some bleeding-heart parole board decides they have suffered enough or are rehabilitated enough to be released back into society and given a second chance to do the job right.

So with those guidelines in mind, here are the rules that you must follow to become a self-respecting Mass Killer.

And oh! – This is one of those things where it is absolutely imperative that you read ALL the instructions first, BEFORE you start. You certainly don’t want the whole world laughing at you, do you?

  1. Choose your weapon of choice. Many Mass Killers choose a gun of some kind. I’m not going to promote individual brands or models of firearms here. It’s your choice. Knives, bow and arrows and incendiaries of any kind are also acceptable. (Sorry, I forgot that I am talking to Mass Killers. That’s a bomb, stupid.)
  2. Select a close family member as your first victim. Mothers (and/or fathers) are always a good choice. All they ever wanted for you was the best you could have. And all they ever got was to watch you fuck up everything you did.
  3. Next kill your wife. This is the woman that has stood by you through thick and thin for most of your tormented life.
  4. Now kill your kids. They didn’t do anything wrong but what the fuck? Why should someone else get to raise them? That was your job. At least it was until you decided to become a Mass Killer. It’s just as well; raising your children who love and trust you unconditionally even though you are a Mass Killer is probably just another thing you would’ve fucked up anyway.
  5. For this step you have 2 options to choose from. However in extreme cases you may choose to do both.
    1. Go to your workplace and kill as many of your co-workers as you can. These are the people that were all laughing behind your back all those years – or worse – didn’t even know you existed.
    2. Go to a school and kill as many innocent children as you can for no other reason than they are innocent children that don’t deserve to die. Hell – your kids didn’t get a say in the matter, why should they?
  6. Kill yourself. Don’t leave it too long before carrying out this step. Otherwise the cops will arrive and do the job for you. How embarrassing would that be? And no matter how careless or sloppy you might have been when performing the other steps, it is of the utmost importance that you endeavour to carry out this task quickly, cleanly and effectively.
  7. This is the most crucial step. I cannot begin to stress the importance of this step. This step is what will separate the amateurish, ill-planned Mass Killer from the real pro. And it’s the real pros that get the glory. Why shouldn’t you be among them? If you want to rush through or skip any of the above steps, that’s one thing, but it is imperative that you follow the instructions of this step to the letter. If you’re not sure you understand this step completely, be sure to Read and Re-read it over and over again until you are 100% clear. Are you ready? Here it is: “Carry out Steps 1 through 6 in REVERSE order.”

Got it? REVERSE order.


DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT carry out any of Steps 1 to 5 until STEP 6 has been fully and successfully carried out.

This is, after all, your ultimate goal and you will want to ensure that it is out of the way first so no one will be able to interfere.

And remember. The only GOOD Mass Killer – is a DEAD Mass Killer.

Merry Fucking Christmas to all…

– 30 –


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